Where Did Everybody Go?

For some reason everyone left town at the same time besides Ford, Tom, and me. Inevitable boredom has followed.
Here are a few things we've done so far:
Taco Bell - Eat food, heavy metal
Wal-Mart - Obtain dog food dish to poison Bernii (our neighbor's gay dog)
K-Mart - Purchased women's pajamas; started a choir featuring dozens of creepy singing stuffed aminals singing three different songs, none were in unison.
Thigh Food Home: Registered for online dating sites. Not to find love, but wholesome entertainment. I entered all my information but used a picture of Tom dressed up as a clown. (He looked creepily similar to that Bubbles guy who always shows up at birthday parties)
I also added a picture of myself and registered user names such as Steely Maverick, Maverick 6, and Patrick Fly.
Surprisingly, I've gotten a lot of response. Many females winking at me, inviting me to chat, etc. Some of them are just plain scary, but some of them are attractive and seem normal. Apparently I can wink back at them for free, so this may go on for some time, because they have a financial pitfall in place if you try to give them any information besides "I like to wink with you."
These little boxes pop up that say stuff like "take the next step! email (or chat with) her now for free!" I click on the link and the first thing it asks for is my credit card number, which for some reason I can't receive my free 3 Day Trial without giving to them. I guess they just keep it on file so if I fail to cancel by calling 3 separate 1-800 numbers during specified hours during my trial, they can immediately begin charging me $50/month due before using the service that month.
I might do it, I can always sue them for false advertising and get it back. The only reason I joined was because they said this girl ------------>
wants to talk to me, and I haven't seen or heard from her yet.
Then I had the realization that the girls I interact with won't know if they're dealing with me, or Tom in clown form. I don't want to disappoint anyone, but if I had the choice between dating Tom or myself, I pick Tom. I came up with a few good reasons why.
First, throw out the physical attraction factor which is usually so important in dating because I'm not into guys. This would be one of those relationships where we go out all the time, but don't ever touch each other. Kinda like in middle school, except without the notes.
Now the reason I would rather date Tom than myself is that I think I'd get lonely dating myself. I can keep myself entertained for a long time by watching movies, reading books, singing loud and out of key to the music I have turned up way to high so I can still hear it when I leave the room, talking to myself, solving world hunger, designing a playoff system to replace the BCS, etc. But eventually I'm going to want to go out to eat, and I don't really enjoy going to restaurants by myself. Also, Tom has 3 cars and an I-phone.
Please leave your thoughts, not on whether you'd rather date Tom or me, but on whether you'd date yourself or a friend. Also if you have any ideas of things Tom, Ford and I could do between now and whenever Rexburg becomes populated again, we'd greatly appreciate it.