The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me

Zombies. Who invented them, and how did he get away with it? I imagine his first conversation about the undead went something like this:

"Hey I have this great idea for a movie! People are being chased by other people who are really slow.
But it's scary because the slow people are dead. Oh and they're hungry, but not just for burgers or something, they like to eat other people!
You with me so far? Great, so like I said the dead people are slow, but they're also stupid. They don't talk or use any strategy to try to get food they just walk after it. Kinda like chickens. Dead....people-chickens. Also they don't eat each other, even though they're dumb they can tell the difference between other dead people and live people and they only like to eat the live ones.

Now when a live person gets eaten by a dead one, they become a living dead person too. If there is enough of them to still walk, sometimes the dead ones leave enough of a recently living one behind for it to become another walking dead one as well, even though they're always hungry chasing live ones. They're like the opposite of Native Americans, they only eat like the first few bites and then walk off slowly chasing others.
Oh and you can kill them. Even though they're already dead. If you shoot them a few times with a shotgun they become more dead, and don't get up again. But it takes a few shots, they don't really die with just one.
...I'm thinking about calling them...zombies. What do you think?"

At which point I'm sure someone says "Why don't you just do a movie about vampires? They're sorta dead but not really, and they make a lot more sense."

To which Zombie Inventor replies "because I don't want my dead people to sparkle in the sunlight, moron."

It's self-assigned penance for problems with easy solutions

A stupid person once said "Reach for the stars, then if you miss the worst you can get is the moon!" or something along those lines.

Why would anyone want the moon? It's cold and barren and pretends to be a source of light when it doesn't really produce any energy, just like my ex (ok not really, buy you lol'd a little bit there, admit it).

I'll give the moon this, it would be pretty fun to jump around in limited gravity...until you run out of oxygen and die. And why is anyone reaching for stars in the first place? You would have to have really long arms to even come close, and if you did they would burn you, really bad. And what direction are you going if you're reaching for "the stars?" Because they surround us, and they're millions of miles apart from each other, so you can't even reach for two at the same time. They should say "pick a star and reach for it," that would be less confusing and result in less pulled muscles.

Those are the reasons I will not be reaching for any stars this upcoming year. Instead I am reaching for the ceiling, and not a vaulted ceiling. We're talking 9 or 10 feet maximum. So without further ado, here they are, my Two Thousand Twelvolutions:

1- Don't Die. I survived rapture, twice. Am I worried about the end of the Mayan Calendar, nah.
2- Me or one of my roommates must get married. John being engaged should make this one easy.
3- Don't spend too much time on Pinterest. I don't really know what it is, I'm just adopting this one so others can be inspired by me and follow my example.
4- Update my blog at least once. You have to have one you get done early, so you don't lose motivation. Baby steps.